Kari Zerg

College

2006-09-17T00:32:00Z

How is it that college is exactly what I expected and nothing like what I expected at the exact same time?

I found good friends quickly, unbelievably quickly, sometimes I think too quickly. It's nice to already have a safe place, people that I know will be there. But isn't part of college getting out there? Meeting everyone, being in a different atmosphere than the one you've been in your entire life. Somehow I still feel too ...sheltered. Too much the same.

I didn't do it this time, I didn't decide to "become a better person" when I came here like I did when I went to Master's and Loomis. A fresh start is such an appealing notion, but, unfortunately, I don't think it really is the way it sounds. Of course your life is different when you go somewhere where no one knows you, but, honestly, I don't think it's that much more different than how it becomes different with the passing of time. I'm not the same person I was when I entered Windsor High. But I don't think that's because I got three fresh starts.

I'm happy here. It's the right place. I don't doubt that, I never doubted that. So how does it still feel ... not quite right? I feel like I should be doing something more, or feeling something more, or something. I'm still the same person. I still have the same traits I don't like about myself and the same traits that I do. So it's not a fresh start. It's something. But it's not a fresh start. And something is still not right.

Incompetent Deja Vu

2006-08-17T03:19:52Z

So Amy and I go out to dinner. That's perfectly normal. Then we have some time to kill, so what do we do but break into our old high school. Yes, that is perfectly normal as well.

So at first we tried to break into her mom's classroom, that's less like trespassing right? We're using our cell phones as flashlights and I'm using this stupid little pocket knife to pry the lock open. Unbelievably, I manage to slice my finger open on the dullest pocket knife ever, and got blood all over everything. That was fun.

We were trying to complete a certain deja vu of mine. Well, not really considering actually completing it would require some sexual activity, and I could never do that to Brendan.

Not that I wouldn't want to. Mwahaha.

Anyway, back to my story. We finally get in and I go to the bathroom to wash the blood off my hands. The men's bathroom of course, the woman's was being renovated. I put my claddagh ring on the edge of the sink and turn the water on.

Whoosh.

There goes my claddagh ring.

Then we go to the nurse's office to get me a bandaid ... but for some unknown reason they moved the nurses office since we left the school.

Time for building number two.

We leave the math and science building and break into the humanities. This time I manage not to cut myself. We found bandaids in our old history teacher's classroom, go into the French room and write "The Alumni Have Struck Again. Ha Ha Ha Ha." All over the blackboard.

We have no life.

I am now realizing that this is possibly the longest story I have ever told, and that it's kind of pointless considering the only person who will even really understand why it was deja vu for me is Amy.

So I leave you with this advice.

When the person you are with is breaking into your high school building with a pocket knife, pay close attention to how he does it. Because when you try to do it two years later, you will cut yourself in your incompetence.

Cheers.

fubb536 @ 2006-08-03T23:48:00

2006-08-04T03:49:03Z

I already miss him more than I thought was humanly possible.

countdown

2006-07-30T02:38:43Z

Heather was completely right - I live for that boy.

My life has been ... complicated lately to say the least. I'm not really sure where I stand with some people, or what they actually think of me, but I guess it's a rare day when you actually know those things.

I couldn't be happier that the first thing I see every morning is him running into my room yelling "Emmy!" and jumping into bed with me for a hug. Wait, yes I could, I would be happier if he did this after 7. But still, that little boy smiles at me, and everything goes away. In all honestly, every single relationship with someone my age seems ... irrelevant, not pointless exactly, but not important either. His smile means everything to me. That almost scares me, he's not mine, he loves me, but I'm not his. Yet I would sacrafice anything for him. This might seem really stupid to some people, that my relationship with a baby is the most important thing in the world to me, but it is.

I'm excited about school, I just started talking with my roommate and she seems really cool, but at the same time I really want to be here. Aidan seems to be taking after me far more that is healthy for him or for Tina, but medicine has progressed so far in 20 years that I can almost convince myself that he and Tina will be ok. Almost. But now I'm starting to feel that I can't leave. Can't leave when I don't know whether that little boy is going to live or die, can't leave while I don't know how long Lorenzo is going to be living with us, can't leave while I'm watching Tina and my brother hurt so much. A month suddenly seems so short ...

Speechless

2006-07-16T05:59:57Z

Sometimes trying to make things better only make things worse.

After all, that's what I said to him, isn't it?

Perhaps I should have listened to my own advice.

There are no words left in me to come out.

fubb536 @ 2006-06-07T12:24:00

2006-06-07T16:24:56Z

Yay for friends.

Yay for Six Flags.

And above all,

Yay for ice cream.

fubb536 @ 2006-05-30T14:49:00

2006-05-30T18:50:45Z

"You shouldn't have Jesus on your license plate. Someone will probably shoot you."

Knowing my luck whoever had that license plate is going to stumble upon my live journal and be mortally offended and call blood fued on me.

Oh wait, I forgot, Christians don't have blood fueds.

...

They just have crusades.

One Acts

2006-05-20T02:21:44Z

Hmmm .... yes ... well .... wow.

These past couple days have been ... odd.

I mean, he and I spent a year in a classroom together, and I don't think I ever heard him say a word. Then suddenly this term, he and I start talking. And it's cool and all. And then these past few days, he and I have been REALLY talking. And, while I'm hesitant to say it cause I sometimes think it's there when it's not, I think we've been flirting. A lot. It feels like every time I turn around he's there, or looking at me. It's vaguely reminiscent of my disturbing experience with a certain person at the beginning of the year, but for some reason, this time it isn't driving me crazy at all. It's actually kinda nice.

So, despite what is or isn't there, it's weird, and a little sad, that I am suddenly realizing that I probably could have been really good friends with this person I have known practically my entire life, if I had ever just talked to him. And now I'm realizing this with two weeks left in school. Don't you love life?

Speaking of people who I've known practically my entire life ... I talked with someone a few weeks ago who had a ... very strong impact on me. I had been so sure that I knew why she stopped talking to me. And it wasn't why. But now that I know why ... it's like this giant weight has been lifted off of me. I know why she and I stopped being friends. I know what happened. It might not seem like that big of a deal, because it really has no effect on our relationship, or lack there of, right now, but it is. Closure is a very big deal. It's learning from your mistakes, learning from your history, taking your past and using it, for better or for worse. It's a very big deal.

In conclusion,

It's MOB! M-O-B, not mop!

Are we going in slow motion again now?

Cheers.

Optimism. Cheers.

2006-04-18T01:06:52Z

I may have just done something incredibly stupid.

However, that being said, I don't feel any worry or anxiety over it. I've reached the point where I have nothing to lose, and possibly something to gain. Closure if nothing else.

But is it ever possible to really achieve closure? Doesn't your brain always come up with one excuse or idea after another until it's impossible to really have a definite end to anything? Won't your brain always wish, even when there's no foundation for that wish?

Optimism. Cheers.

So maybe I made a real ass of myself. Maybe I'm clinging to something that is looooooooong loooooooong gone. But maybe my optimism is accurate. Maybe being close to someone at some point in time will mean you always leave a mark on them, no matter how long its been. Maybe that marks enough, maybe it isn't.

Damn I wish I wasn't thinking about this tonight. I don't know why I am, it came out of nowhere. I mean, I haven't really thought about this situation in almost a year. But that's the way it always is. The wondering, the optimism, the doubt, that's always still there. And now I can't stop thinking about it. Damn I want closure.

But if there's no mark there anymore, then there isn't, and nothing I do or say is going to change that. But that's no reason to stop doing and saying.

Optimism. Cheers.

fubb536 @ 2006-04-13T12:36:00

2006-04-13T16:44:10Z

So good news: I went to the doctor's yesterday and they put me on a new medication, one that might actually WORK, despite the fact that they still don't actually know what's wrong with me. But when the meds are working/when I'm feeling fine I'm actually having a really good time. Ultimate is fucking awesome (dude, boys are actually willing to throw to me) despite the fact that I haven't actually played since ... sophomore year I think? And my playing reflects that. Haha.

I finally am GETTING Calculus completely, to the point where I'm pretty sure I'm getting at least a 4 on the AP ... unless I completely blow it, which is always possible.

I really like the one act I was cast in, it's superbly written, I get along really well with all the other cast members/director, and I know for a fact that they're all extremely talented. So I really lucked out there.

So a month and a half left. I'm not even counting down the days. I'm enjoying the weather, enjoying school (gasp!), enjoying looking forward to next year, enjoying my teachers who, with one exception, are fucking fantastic, enjoying the spring, which is a first since I was about 12. Just enjoying life.

Cheers.

Spring!!!

2006-03-11T03:39:34Z

Dude, I wanted to do backflips today. It was sooooo nice out. I took three different walks over the course of the day and didn't have to wear anything heavier than a tee-shirt for two of them. It was heaven. Yay for being on vacation when none of my friends are yet and having nothing better to do. I'm sure that eventually I will revert back into my normal "spring is my least favorite season" mode, but until then I'm just reveling in the warm weather. And next week my schedule is crammed between seeing tons of different people, playing with my nephew, and rehersals for play number three of the year, so I'm actually doing something worthwile in my time and NOT being my anti-social self. Don't get too used to it. ;-)

College cannot come soon enough.

Productive Day

2006-02-20T22:09:28Z

Wow, you know, I just don't know what to do with myself. I was actually done with school at 3:10, and will be for the rest of the week. It's like, unfathomable that I be home any time before dinner, and now that I am, I'm at a loss for what to do. So I watched a really bad movie (Young Adam) and then sat staring at the computer screen. It's a very productive day. Haha.

fubb536 @ 2006-02-17T16:33:00

2006-02-17T21:55:19Z

You know this. You love this. You will do this.
DIRECTIONS:
1. Go to your playlist.
2. Hit shuffle.
3. Choose the first twenty songs - YOU CANNOT SKIP ONE. If it's embarasing you just have to live with it.
4. With those twenty songs you must post a lyric from each of the songs.
5. See if anybody can guess what songs they are from. (etc etc)
6. Don't cheat, asshole.

1. Why did you have to go and make me say those things about you?
2. I feel the fallen starts circle me now, as they cry.
3. Awkwardly speaking with nothing to say.
4. You know that I will save you from all of the unclean.
5. Will I choose water over wine
6. I was wrong, maybe you should stay away.
7. We believe in this life.
8. Everything is ok, everything is fine.
10. I can't wait till I get home to pass the time in my room alone.
11. Raise your hand in mine, I'll leave when I wanna.
12. I'm stuck in hell and I want to go home.
13. The stage is set to rip the wings from a butterfly.
14. Well she went away for the hollidays, said she's going to L.A. (mwahaha, this one is a trick, I have two bands doing the same song on my computer ... which on is it? mwahaha.)
15. Cause there's no place I'd rather be than in your arms of love.
16. There's a thunderstorm in sight and it won't go away.
17. We got it made.
18. The snare it sounds like gunfire. It's like a thousand decible punch in the face.
19. I had to fall to lose it all.
20. no matter how hard I try you're never satisfied.

fubb536 @ 2006-01-27T19:55:00

2006-01-28T01:07:06Z

Yeah ... if I'm doing one of these things, you must know I'm REALLY bored.

A - Available?: Yessir
B - BEST FRIENDS: Haha at the moment? Kind of no one. But no worries.
C - CRUSH: um ... yes ... and I plead the fifth.
D- DADS NAME: Bob
E - EASIEST PERSON TO TALK TO: Myself ... as I prove by my running commantary every moment of every day ... I really have to stop that.
F - FAVORITE MUSICANS? Well, I always have to say Michael Crawford. And I've been crazy into Andrea Bocelli lately. And for bands, I would still have to say Taking Back Sunday.
G - GUMMY BEARS OR GUMMY WORMS? Neither really, but if I had to pick it would be gummy bears.
H- FIRST HOME? The same one I live in now ... what do you know.
I - INSTRUMENT: voice and piano
K - KIDS: I want at least six literally. Possibly adopted, and not necessary as infants except for my first one. I want to be a mother to kids who really need me.
L - LONGEST CAR RIDE? Ct to Oberlin.
M - MILK FLAVOR? Um ... milk flavored milk ...
N- NUMBER OF SIBLINGS: 2
O - ONE WISH? Anyone who heard my prayer at bible study last year knows it.
P - PHOBIAS? being under tall things ... and lots of people.
Q - FAVORITE QUOTE? Well I'll have to go with the old standbye: and so it goes. Either that of J.C.'s infamous "in essense, if she were a terminal disease, what terminal disease would she be?
R - REASON TO SMILE: The stage. And Mark Paul Gosselaar.
S - SONG YOU LAST HEARD: Elenor Rigby
T - TIME YOU WOKE UP: 5:00 ... I had to write that stupid english paper.
U - UNKNOWN FACT ABOUT ME: I talk to myself constantly ... oh wait, that wasn't exactly unknown.
V - VEGETABLE YOU HATE: Eggplant. I think I just can't stand purple food in general.
W- WORST HABIT: saying things I regret.
X - X-RAYS YOU'VE HAD: When I fractured my wrist when I was about nine ... and various ultra sounds and cat scans and such.
Z - ZODIAC SIGN: Leo

Loomis

2006-01-23T00:18:53Z

Yeah ... so I had a really interesting conversation with Bauer today. I mean besides the part about the cowboy in American Idol. It was about how different the theater program is at Loomis depending on what you want to get out of it. For someone who wants a career in acting, Loomis is like, the ideal highschool barring actually going to a performing arts high school. But for someone who doesn't want that ... well, the way Bauer put it is having such a professional program that puts on shows so quickly, it emphasizes the show, not the learning experience.

So it hit me, for the first time, how STUPID I've been this year. What she said doesn't only apply to Grand Hotel, it applies to the whole fucking school. Depending on what you want from it, it'll be different for you. All I wanted from it is a way to kill a year until I go to Oberlin. So look where it got me. With basically no friends, no life, and hating getting up in the morning a lot of days.

Basically, it's not Loomis that did this to me. It was my expectations of what Loomis would be for me. So this is kind of a public apology to all the people I see every day. I've finally realized what a little shit I've been this year. I'll try to fix it. And yes, I will go to the next dance.

fubb536 @ 2006-01-07T18:45:00

2006-01-07T23:46:29Z

In the year 2006 I resolve to:

Make the FBIs most wanted list.

Get your resolution here

vacation

2006-01-02T03:33:51Z

hmmmm ....

I feel like on one hand this vacation went by waaaaaay too fast and I didn't actually do everything I was planning on doing.

Like seeing the ever-ellusive Jenn, or having a conversation with Mike without us once insulting each other, or not put off my homework until the very last day, or write more on my story, or remember to go over my choregoraphy so I don't get slaughtered when I to the rehersal on Wednesday ....

Needless to say, I didn't do anything of those things. I just sat on my ass. And read. Alot. And while I feel like it went by way too fast, at the same time I feel like it's going to feel weird to go back to Loomis. Like, no matter how much time I've spent there, it hasn't made enough of an impact on me to make me feel ... normal going back there after being away for almost three weeks.

I still don't call it my school, and I'm not sure I ever will.

fubb536 @ 2005-11-23T19:44:00

2005-11-24T00:47:27Z

I've been on a writing spree lately. I just can't stop, everytime I sit down I'm like going crazy if I'm not writing. I don't think I'm even writing as well as I can, I just can't stop.

I think something is exploding inside of me.

Melodramatic, I know. But isn't that what this thing is for? To let it all out, melodramatic or otherwise?

I saw Caro today. It made me happy. I miss all my college friends. I totally forgot about the thanksgiving thing at my Master's planet. Granted, I might not have gone even if I had remembered. But I completely forgot.

This entry is stilted and odd, but like I said, I'm going crazy.

parallelism

2005-11-20T03:37:10Z

Some element of parallelism is going to be natural. After all, a lot of what happened to me in Windsor High and Master’s will have happened because of me, and I don’t think I’ve changed that much over those four years. So like I said, some parallelism is expected. Maybe not always enjoyable, but always expected and understandable.

But burying a boy a year? How is that expected or understandable? The only thing that any of these boys had to do with me is that I knew them, went to school with them, and was friends with them to varying degrees. But a lot of people can say that, and I know that. I know it has nothing to do with me, logically I know that. But I’m tired of burying boys that I should be in classes with. I feel like I can’t get away from it.

And what about my innocent little blond boys? Both of them having their mother’s leave after being accused of affairs by their fathers … in the same summer? Regardless of whether I talked to them yesterday or three years ago, it’s terrifying. The parallelism is terrifying. And it makes me wonder about everything else. How much of it was really because of me, and how much was just because of circumstances?

I can’t wait to get out of high school. My desire to not be here anymore has been taken to a whole new level.

fubb536 @ 2005-11-16T11:58:00

2005-11-16T17:12:01Z

Open iTunes or Windows Media Player to answer the following. Go to your library.

How many songs?
667

Sort by song title:
first: 1000 Memories - Bad Religion
last: Zip-Lock - LIT

Sort by time:
shortest: Finale: I Am Not A Boy - Bat Boy
Longest: Goodbye Sky Harbor - Jimmy Eat World

Sort by album:
first: 45 or 46 Song that Weren't Good Enough to be on our other Albums - NoFX
last: Young and The Hopeless - Good Charlotte

Top Five Most Played Songs: Windows Media Doesn't Tell You This ... so I put it on random under favorite tracks:

1.) Elephant Love Medley - Moulin Rouge
2.) Jolly Green Dumbass - Fenix TX
3.) A-Hole - Bowling for Soup
4.) The Point of No Return - Phantom of The Opera (musical, not movie)
5.) Home From Home - Millencolin

First song that comes up on Shuffle:

One Day More - Les Mis

Find "sex", How many songs come up? 0 ... damn

Find "death", How many songs come up? 18

Find "love", How many songs come up? 19

These numbers seem to be kinda wack to me ..

babbling entry

2005-11-12T22:04:37Z

Well, time to go get ready for closing night. Those of you who didn't come see Inherit the Wind this week and aren't going tonight ... well ... I have nothing to say to you. So there.

Happy birthday Jae!!!

R.I.P. Ryan Duff, you will be missed.

A rather ecclectic entry I know, but what can you do. Loomis life is doing a little better. Theater is the saving grace

Yeah, I really have to get ready. So I'm gonna stop babbling now.

this cool thingamajig

2005-10-26T22:03:31Z

Leave your name and...

1. I'll respond with something random about you.
2. I'll tell you what song/movie reminds me of you.
3. I'll tell you what flavor of jello i would wrestle you in.
4. I'll say something that only makes sense to you and me.
5. I'll tell you my first/clearest memory of you.
6. I'll tell you what animal you remind me of.
7. I'll ask you something that I've always wondered about you.
8. If I do this for you, you must post this on your journal. You MUST.

Skye Boat Song

2005-10-17T23:44:55Z

Yeah ... this really isn't intended for me to post my poems and stuff, that's what fictionpress is for ... but ... I don't know, I guess I've finally decided that I would rather have people I KNOW comment on my work. They're probably going to get different things out of it. So feel free to skip over these entries if they bore you, but if you're in the mood to read, please do, and COMMENT. I'm never going to become a better writer if I don't get feedback.

By the way if by some chance you're reading this and you happened to be in my english class last year (veeerrrryyy doubtful), yes this is the one I read to the class.

Skye Boat Song

Tomorrow Skyler Ashton Ballard will be exactly half a year old.

Tomorrow is my predicted death day.

It doesn’t seem right somehow that they would predict death days the way they would predict birthdays. Losing should never be predicted, only winning. Because “if you think it you can achieve it” or whatever that bullshit is, am I right? The little engine that could. Choo-choo.

No one has any memories at 6 months old. It’s probably better that way. I mean, who would want to remember being born? It probably hurt like hell being shoved towards the bright light and all.

Bright light, haha. Go towards the light.

And being circumcised, damn, I’m glad I’m not a boy. Or if I was a boy, at any rate, I’d be damn glad I don’t have memories until I’m like 5 years old. Damn.

At the same time, it’s kinda sad. Kinda sad and all that he won’t remember me. I mean, we spent 7 months worrying about this kid, me waking up in the middle of the night after having a dream that he was going to be born horribly disfigured, only to find out that Mom’s still sound asleep down the hall, no baby on the way.

Cause that’s what the doctors said ya know. Horribly disfigured. Mentally undeveloped. In other words, crippled and retarded. Why doctors don’t just talk in normal language is beyond me.

Everyone knew that Mom was too old to have another kid. Even dad knew. Everyone except Mom. 46 … hell, at 46 a lot of women have gone through menopause. Skyler could have killed Mom. Two months premature, ten years too late, he could have killed her.

You think he’d be even a little bit apologetic.

So he won’t remember me. But I can sing to him. I sing him to sleep every night. Big sister’s job, right? I’m 14 years old, the perpetual baby-sitter. At least I can sing him to sleep so Mom and Dad don’t have to wake up when he’s cranky. They have to catch up on the sleep they lost when I was a baby. Now is as good a time as ever I guess.

You’re supposed to sing to babies I heard. Like plants, them I know you’re supposed to sing to. Hell, who would tell you to sing to plants? Probably the same dumbass that invented the idea of predicted death days.

So I sing to him. Every night, even though he can’t understand me. Probably better that way. My lullaby is a damn gory song to someone who can understand the words. But there’s one good part. Yeah, there’s one good part.

He’s so peaceful falling asleep. No pain. No pain. He was supposed to have so much. Pain I mean, he was predicted to. Predicted.

Sometimes I think it’s almost like God took all the pain that was supposed to fall on this defenseless baby boy and gave it all to me. Not that I’m complaining. It makes me kinda like a martyr. Yeah, I would like to have been a martyr. Damn fine way to go. Making a stand and all. Don’t tell Mom I said that, I don’t want her to think I have any regrets. But damn it would have been nice.

No, he won’t remember me. But maybe he’ll remember the song. I mean, I’ve sang it to the kid every day for the past 6 months. Something must have stuck in his head. It’s nice to think that someday he’ll hear the song again and feel something stirring inside him. Some echo or another. A tribute to me. A tribute to his martyr. Yeah, that’s nice to think of.

So tomorrow he’ll be half a year. And tomorrow I’ll be dead. Not much I can say to that. Not much at all.

“Speed bonnie boat, like a bird on the wing.
Onward the sailors cry.
Carry the lad who is born to be king.
Over the sea to Skye.
Over the sea to Skye.”

Cheers all, I hope you're having a wonderful day.

I Gave Up

2005-10-05T21:04:52Z

So I had to drop a class today. AP Chem. Sure I've screwed up in school stuff before, but honestly, that was always my own fault. Maybe I've lived in my own little world, but I've never been faced with something I just honestly couldn't do, couldn't understand. I feel like I gave up, but I'm dying at this school. Drama's finally going better, thank God, considering that's the only thing I feel like I can look forward to there. It's just ... not what I expected. And not what I want. But there's nothing I can do about that now.

I Still ...

2005-09-29T02:39:59Z

Who are you now?
Are you still the same
Or did you change somehow?
What do you do
At this very moment when I think of you?
And when I'm looking back
How we were young and stupid
Do you remember that?
Baby

No matter how I fight it
Can't deny it
Just can't let you go

I still need you
I still care about you
Though everything's been said and done
I still feel you
Like I'm right beside you
But still no word from you

Now look at me
Instead of moving on, I refuse to see
That I keep coming back
And I'm stuck in a moment
That wasn't meant to last (to last)

I've tried to fight it
Can't deny it
You don't even know

That I still need you
I still care about you
Though everything's been said and done
I still feel you
Like I'm right beside you
But still no word from you

Ohhhh
Wish I could find you
Just like you found me
Then I would never let you go (without you)

Though everything's been said and done (yeah)
I still feel you (I still feel you)
Like I'm right beside you (like I'm right beside you)
But still no (still no word) word from you

...

Yeah, I know I'm a complete and total dork to post those lyrics. But they've just really been connecting with me lately ... well ... if you cut out the obvious boy/girl relationship theme. Anyway, just kinda getting that out there.

I've been singing a lot lately. And playing the piano. I spent like an hour today before rehearsal shut up in a practice room just playing. And playing. I almost missed lunch because of it. But things have been so crazy and hectic that I needed some time to just let go. And even though it's not exactly my forte, playing the piano does that for me. It brings me back to last year at my Master's planet when I spent like a third of my day in Fullerton's room either for class or to play. Sometimes Mike or Caro would come in, sometimes not, either way I wanted that. Needed that. I needed it so much, sometimes I kinda would miss lunch (whoops.) It's nice to have it back.

...

I've never had trouble making friends before. But I'm finding that I'm not really connecting/getting close to anyone at Loomis, even in theater. And the odd part is that it doesn't bother me in the slightest. I'd rather be sitting outside reading, or in the practice room or something than jammed in the snug with alllll thooooosseee peeeoppplleee. So maybe that's the reason why I'm not getting close to anyone, or maybe that's just a subconscious excuse or something. I don't know. But either way I seem to be happy with it, so I'm not exactly going to complain. Yeah, I miss it sometimes. But I like my time anyway. So maybe just at school is going to be my time, and outside of school is when I'm going to have my people connection. That's fine with me.