Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in Kari Zerg's LiveJournal:

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Saturday, September 16th, 2006
8:22 pm	College How is it that college is exactly what I expected and nothing like what I expected at the exact same time? I found good friends quickly, unbelievably quickly, sometimes I think too quickly. It's nice to already have a safe place, people that I know will be there. But isn't part of college getting out there? Meeting everyone, being in a different atmosphere than the one you've been in your entire life. Somehow I still feel too ...sheltered. Too much the same. I didn't do it this time, I didn't decide to "become a better person" when I came here like I did when I went to Master's and Loomis. A fresh start is such an appealing notion, but, unfortunately, I don't think it really is the way it sounds. Of course your life is different when you go somewhere where no one knows you, but, honestly, I don't think it's that much more different than how it becomes different with the passing of time. I'm not the same person I was when I entered Windsor High. But I don't think that's because I got three fresh starts. I'm happy here. It's the right place. I don't doubt that, I never doubted that. So how does it still feel ... not quite right? I feel like I should be doing something more, or feeling something more, or something. I'm still the same person. I still have the same traits I don't like about myself and the same traits that I do. So it's not a fresh start. It's something. But it's not a fresh start. And something is still not right. Current Mood: contemplative Current Music: King of the World (Comment on this)
Wednesday, August 16th, 2006
11:10 pm	Incompetent Deja Vu So Amy and I go out to dinner. That's perfectly normal. Then we have some time to kill, so what do we do but break into our old high school. Yes, that is perfectly normal as well. So at first we tried to break into her mom's classroom, that's less like trespassing right? We're using our cell phones as flashlights and I'm using this stupid little pocket knife to pry the lock open. Unbelievably, I manage to slice my finger open on the dullest pocket knife ever, and got blood all over everything. That was fun. We were trying to complete a certain deja vu of mine. Well, not really considering actually completing it would require some sexual activity, and I could never do that to Brendan. Not that I wouldn't want to. Mwahaha. Anyway, back to my story. We finally get in and I go to the bathroom to wash the blood off my hands. The men's bathroom of course, the woman's was being renovated. I put my claddagh ring on the edge of the sink and turn the water on. Whoosh. There goes my claddagh ring. Then we go to the nurse's office to get me a bandaid ... but for some unknown reason they moved the nurses office since we left the school. Time for building number two. We leave the math and science building and break into the humanities. This time I manage not to cut myself. We found bandaids in our old history teacher's classroom, go into the French room and write "The Alumni Have Struck Again. Ha Ha Ha Ha." All over the blackboard. We have no life. I am now realizing that this is possibly the longest story I have ever told, and that it's kind of pointless considering the only person who will even really understand why it was deja vu for me is Amy. So I leave you with this advice. When the person you are with is breaking into your high school building with a pocket knife, pay close attention to how he does it. Because when you try to do it two years later, you will cut yourself in your incompetence. Cheers. Current Mood: energetic Current Music: The Ataris (Comment on this)
Thursday, August 3rd, 2006
11:48 pm	I already miss him more than I thought was humanly possible. Current Mood: sad Current Music: Phantom of the Opera (Comment on this)
Saturday, July 29th, 2006
10:29 pm	countdown Heather was completely right - I live for that boy. My life has been ... complicated lately to say the least. I'm not really sure where I stand with some people, or what they actually think of me, but I guess it's a rare day when you actually know those things. I couldn't be happier that the first thing I see every morning is him running into my room yelling "Emmy!" and jumping into bed with me for a hug. Wait, yes I could, I would be happier if he did this after 7. But still, that little boy smiles at me, and everything goes away. In all honestly, every single relationship with someone my age seems ... irrelevant, not pointless exactly, but not important either. His smile means everything to me. That almost scares me, he's not mine, he loves me, but I'm not his. Yet I would sacrafice anything for him. This might seem really stupid to some people, that my relationship with a baby is the most important thing in the world to me, but it is. I'm excited about school, I just started talking with my roommate and she seems really cool, but at the same time I really want to be here. Aidan seems to be taking after me far more that is healthy for him or for Tina, but medicine has progressed so far in 20 years that I can almost convince myself that he and Tina will be ok. Almost. But now I'm starting to feel that I can't leave. Can't leave when I don't know whether that little boy is going to live or die, can't leave while I don't know how long Lorenzo is going to be living with us, can't leave while I'm watching Tina and my brother hurt so much. A month suddenly seems so short ... Current Mood: anxious Current Music: Green Day (Comment on this)
Sunday, July 16th, 2006
1:58 am	Speechless Sometimes trying to make things better only make things worse. After all, that's what I said to him, isn't it? Perhaps I should have listened to my own advice. There are no words left in me to come out. Current Mood: stressed Current Music: Taking Back Sunday (Comment on this)
Wednesday, June 7th, 2006
12:24 pm	Yay for friends. Yay for Six Flags. And above all, Yay for ice cream. Current Mood: cheerful Current Music: Green Day (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, May 30th, 2006
2:49 pm	"You shouldn't have Jesus on your license plate. Someone will probably shoot you." Knowing my luck whoever had that license plate is going to stumble upon my live journal and be mortally offended and call blood fued on me. Oh wait, I forgot, Christians don't have blood fueds. ... They just have crusades. Current Mood: relaxed Current Music: Three Days Grace (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Friday, May 19th, 2006
10:09 pm	One Acts Hmmm .... yes ... well .... wow. These past couple days have been ... odd. I mean, he and I spent a year in a classroom together, and I don't think I ever heard him say a word. Then suddenly this term, he and I start talking. And it's cool and all. And then these past few days, he and I have been REALLY talking. And, while I'm hesitant to say it cause I sometimes think it's there when it's not, I think we've been flirting. A lot. It feels like every time I turn around he's there, or looking at me. It's vaguely reminiscent of my disturbing experience with a certain person at the beginning of the year, but for some reason, this time it isn't driving me crazy at all. It's actually kinda nice. So, despite what is or isn't there, it's weird, and a little sad, that I am suddenly realizing that I probably could have been really good friends with this person I have known practically my entire life, if I had ever just talked to him. And now I'm realizing this with two weeks left in school. Don't you love life? Speaking of people who I've known practically my entire life ... I talked with someone a few weeks ago who had a ... very strong impact on me. I had been so sure that I knew why she stopped talking to me. And it wasn't why. But now that I know why ... it's like this giant weight has been lifted off of me. I know why she and I stopped being friends. I know what happened. It might not seem like that big of a deal, because it really has no effect on our relationship, or lack there of, right now, but it is. Closure is a very big deal. It's learning from your mistakes, learning from your history, taking your past and using it, for better or for worse. It's a very big deal. In conclusion, It's MOB! M-O-B, not mop! Are we going in slow motion again now? Cheers. Current Mood: relieved Current Music: The Gamits (Comment on this)
Monday, April 17th, 2006
8:58 pm	Optimism. Cheers. I may have just done something incredibly stupid. However, that being said, I don't feel any worry or anxiety over it. I've reached the point where I have nothing to lose, and possibly something to gain. Closure if nothing else. But is it ever possible to really achieve closure? Doesn't your brain always come up with one excuse or idea after another until it's impossible to really have a definite end to anything? Won't your brain always wish, even when there's no foundation for that wish? Optimism. Cheers. So maybe I made a real ass of myself. Maybe I'm clinging to something that is looooooooong loooooooong gone. But maybe my optimism is accurate. Maybe being close to someone at some point in time will mean you always leave a mark on them, no matter how long its been. Maybe that marks enough, maybe it isn't. Damn I wish I wasn't thinking about this tonight. I don't know why I am, it came out of nowhere. I mean, I haven't really thought about this situation in almost a year. But that's the way it always is. The wondering, the optimism, the doubt, that's always still there. And now I can't stop thinking about it. Damn I want closure. But if there's no mark there anymore, then there isn't, and nothing I do or say is going to change that. But that's no reason to stop doing and saying. Optimism. Cheers. Current Mood: listless Current Music: Linkin Park (Comment on this)
Thursday, April 13th, 2006
12:36 pm	So good news: I went to the doctor's yesterday and they put me on a new medication, one that might actually WORK, despite the fact that they still don't actually know what's wrong with me. But when the meds are working/when I'm feeling fine I'm actually having a really good time. Ultimate is fucking awesome (dude, boys are actually willing to throw to me) despite the fact that I haven't actually played since ... sophomore year I think? And my playing reflects that. Haha. I finally am GETTING Calculus completely, to the point where I'm pretty sure I'm getting at least a 4 on the AP ... unless I completely blow it, which is always possible. I really like the one act I was cast in, it's superbly written, I get along really well with all the other cast members/director, and I know for a fact that they're all extremely talented. So I really lucked out there. So a month and a half left. I'm not even counting down the days. I'm enjoying the weather, enjoying school (gasp!), enjoying looking forward to next year, enjoying my teachers who, with one exception, are fucking fantastic, enjoying the spring, which is a first since I was about 12. Just enjoying life. Cheers. Current Mood: bouncy Current Music: Kutless (Comment on this)
Friday, March 10th, 2006
10:31 pm	Spring!!! Dude, I wanted to do backflips today. It was sooooo nice out. I took three different walks over the course of the day and didn't have to wear anything heavier than a tee-shirt for two of them. It was heaven. Yay for being on vacation when none of my friends are yet and having nothing better to do. I'm sure that eventually I will revert back into my normal "spring is my least favorite season" mode, but until then I'm just reveling in the warm weather. And next week my schedule is crammed between seeing tons of different people, playing with my nephew, and rehersals for play number three of the year, so I'm actually doing something worthwile in my time and NOT being my anti-social self. Don't get too used to it. ;-) College cannot come soon enough. Current Mood: chipper Current Music: Counting Crowns (Comment on this)
Monday, February 20th, 2006
5:07 pm	Productive Day Wow, you know, I just don't know what to do with myself. I was actually done with school at 3:10, and will be for the rest of the week. It's like, unfathomable that I be home any time before dinner, and now that I am, I'm at a loss for what to do. So I watched a really bad movie (Young Adam) and then sat staring at the computer screen. It's a very productive day. Haha. Current Mood: bored Current Music: Les Mis (Comment on this)
Friday, February 17th, 2006
4:33 pm	You know this. You love this. You will do this. DIRECTIONS: 1. Go to your playlist. 2. Hit shuffle. 3. Choose the first twenty songs - YOU CANNOT SKIP ONE. If it's embarasing you just have to live with it. 4. With those twenty songs you must post a lyric from each of the songs. 5. See if anybody can guess what songs they are from. (etc etc) 6. Don't cheat, asshole. 1. Why did you have to go and make me say those things about you? 2. I feel the fallen starts circle me now, as they cry. 3. Awkwardly speaking with nothing to say. 4. You know that I will save you from all of the unclean. 5. Will I choose water over wine 6. I was wrong, maybe you should stay away. 7. We believe in this life. 8. Everything is ok, everything is fine. 10. I can't wait till I get home to pass the time in my room alone. 11. Raise your hand in mine, I'll leave when I wanna. 12. I'm stuck in hell and I want to go home. 13. The stage is set to rip the wings from a butterfly. 14. Well she went away for the hollidays, said she's going to L.A. (mwahaha, this one is a trick, I have two bands doing the same song on my computer ... which on is it? mwahaha.) 15. Cause there's no place I'd rather be than in your arms of love. 16. There's a thunderstorm in sight and it won't go away. 17. We got it made. 18. The snare it sounds like gunfire. It's like a thousand decible punch in the face. 19. I had to fall to lose it all. 20. no matter how hard I try you're never satisfied. Current Mood: creative Current Music: um ... number 20 haha. (8 Comments |Comment on this)
Friday, January 27th, 2006
7:55 pm	Yeah ... if I'm doing one of these things, you must know I'm REALLY bored. A - Available?: Yessir B - BEST FRIENDS: Haha at the moment? Kind of no one. But no worries. C - CRUSH: um ... yes ... and I plead the fifth. D- DADS NAME: Bob E - EASIEST PERSON TO TALK TO: Myself ... as I prove by my running commantary every moment of every day ... I really have to stop that. F - FAVORITE MUSICANS? Well, I always have to say Michael Crawford. And I've been crazy into Andrea Bocelli lately. And for bands, I would still have to say Taking Back Sunday. G - GUMMY BEARS OR GUMMY WORMS? Neither really, but if I had to pick it would be gummy bears. H- FIRST HOME? The same one I live in now ... what do you know. I - INSTRUMENT: voice and piano K - KIDS: I want at least six literally. Possibly adopted, and not necessary as infants except for my first one. I want to be a mother to kids who really need me. L - LONGEST CAR RIDE? Ct to Oberlin. M - MILK FLAVOR? Um ... milk flavored milk ... N- NUMBER OF SIBLINGS: 2 O - ONE WISH? Anyone who heard my prayer at bible study last year knows it. P - PHOBIAS? being under tall things ... and lots of people. Q - FAVORITE QUOTE? Well I'll have to go with the old standbye: and so it goes. Either that of J.C.'s infamous "in essense, if she were a terminal disease, what terminal disease would she be? R - REASON TO SMILE: The stage. And Mark Paul Gosselaar. S - SONG YOU LAST HEARD: Elenor Rigby T - TIME YOU WOKE UP: 5:00 ... I had to write that stupid english paper. U - UNKNOWN FACT ABOUT ME: I talk to myself constantly ... oh wait, that wasn't exactly unknown. V - VEGETABLE YOU HATE: Eggplant. I think I just can't stand purple food in general. W- WORST HABIT: saying things I regret. X - X-RAYS YOU'VE HAD: When I fractured my wrist when I was about nine ... and various ultra sounds and cat scans and such. Z - ZODIAC SIGN: Leo Current Mood: relaxed Current Music: Beatles (Comment on this)
Sunday, January 22nd, 2006
7:12 pm	Loomis Yeah ... so I had a really interesting conversation with Bauer today. I mean besides the part about the cowboy in American Idol. It was about how different the theater program is at Loomis depending on what you want to get out of it. For someone who wants a career in acting, Loomis is like, the ideal highschool barring actually going to a performing arts high school. But for someone who doesn't want that ... well, the way Bauer put it is having such a professional program that puts on shows so quickly, it emphasizes the show, not the learning experience. So it hit me, for the first time, how STUPID I've been this year. What she said doesn't only apply to Grand Hotel, it applies to the whole fucking school. Depending on what you want from it, it'll be different for you. All I wanted from it is a way to kill a year until I go to Oberlin. So look where it got me. With basically no friends, no life, and hating getting up in the morning a lot of days. Basically, it's not Loomis that did this to me. It was my expectations of what Loomis would be for me. So this is kind of a public apology to all the people I see every day. I've finally realized what a little shit I've been this year. I'll try to fix it. And yes, I will go to the next dance. Current Mood: contemplative Current Music: Aida (Comment on this)
Saturday, January 7th, 2006
6:45 pm	In the year 2006 I resolve to: Make the FBIs most wanted list. Get your resolution here Current Mood: sick Current Music: Papa Roach (Comment on this)
Sunday, January 1st, 2006
10:29 pm	vacation hmmmm .... I feel like on one hand this vacation went by waaaaaay too fast and I didn't actually do everything I was planning on doing. Like seeing the ever-ellusive Jenn, or having a conversation with Mike without us once insulting each other, or not put off my homework until the very last day, or write more on my story, or remember to go over my choregoraphy so I don't get slaughtered when I to the rehersal on Wednesday .... Needless to say, I didn't do anything of those things. I just sat on my ass. And read. Alot. And while I feel like it went by way too fast, at the same time I feel like it's going to feel weird to go back to Loomis. Like, no matter how much time I've spent there, it hasn't made enough of an impact on me to make me feel ... normal going back there after being away for almost three weeks. I still don't call it my school, and I'm not sure I ever will. Current Mood: awake Current Music: The Phantom of the Opera - Michael Crawford baby (Comment on this)
Wednesday, November 23rd, 2005
7:44 pm	I've been on a writing spree lately. I just can't stop, everytime I sit down I'm like going crazy if I'm not writing. I don't think I'm even writing as well as I can, I just can't stop. I think something is exploding inside of me. Melodramatic, I know. But isn't that what this thing is for? To let it all out, melodramatic or otherwise? I saw Caro today. It made me happy. I miss all my college friends. I totally forgot about the thanksgiving thing at my Master's planet. Granted, I might not have gone even if I had remembered. But I completely forgot. This entry is stilted and odd, but like I said, I'm going crazy. Current Mood: crazy Current Music: I Still Believe - Miss Saigon (Comment on this)
Saturday, November 19th, 2005
10:36 pm	parallelism Some element of parallelism is going to be natural. After all, a lot of what happened to me in Windsor High and Master’s will have happened because of me, and I don’t think I’ve changed that much over those four years. So like I said, some parallelism is expected. Maybe not always enjoyable, but always expected and understandable. But burying a boy a year? How is that expected or understandable? The only thing that any of these boys had to do with me is that I knew them, went to school with them, and was friends with them to varying degrees. But a lot of people can say that, and I know that. I know it has nothing to do with me, logically I know that. But I’m tired of burying boys that I should be in classes with. I feel like I can’t get away from it. And what about my innocent little blond boys? Both of them having their mother’s leave after being accused of affairs by their fathers … in the same summer? Regardless of whether I talked to them yesterday or three years ago, it’s terrifying. The parallelism is terrifying. And it makes me wonder about everything else. How much of it was really because of me, and how much was just because of circumstances? I can’t wait to get out of high school. My desire to not be here anymore has been taken to a whole new level. Current Mood: stressed Current Music: What is Christmas - Trans-Siberian Orchestra (Comment on this)
Wednesday, November 16th, 2005
11:58 am	Open iTunes or Windows Media Player to answer the following. Go to your library. How many songs? 667 Sort by song title: first: 1000 Memories - Bad Religion last: Zip-Lock - LIT Sort by time: shortest: Finale: I Am Not A Boy - Bat Boy Longest: Goodbye Sky Harbor - Jimmy Eat World Sort by album: first: 45 or 46 Song that Weren't Good Enough to be on our other Albums - NoFX last: Young and The Hopeless - Good Charlotte Top Five Most Played Songs: Windows Media Doesn't Tell You This ... so I put it on random under favorite tracks: 1.) Elephant Love Medley - Moulin Rouge 2.) Jolly Green Dumbass - Fenix TX 3.) A-Hole - Bowling for Soup 4.) The Point of No Return - Phantom of The Opera (musical, not movie) 5.) Home From Home - Millencolin First song that comes up on Shuffle: One Day More - Les Mis Find "sex", How many songs come up? 0 ... damn Find "death", How many songs come up? 18 Find "love", How many songs come up? 19 These numbers seem to be kinda wack to me .. Current Mood: bored Current Music: Haha everything I just said (Comment on this)